Growing up, my church was on the extreme side of charismatic. I was immersed in Focus on the Family material. My favorite non-fiction authors were Dr James Dobson and Charles Swindoll. If anyone knew that adultery was wrong, it was me. My parents’ marriage deteriorated due to adultery. And yet, I was not prepared for how it can sneak up on you.

From my perspective, affairs happened like on tv. It was the heat of the moment type of thing. It was easy to avoid. You could see it coming and could run the other way. But for many, that’s not how it happens at all. No, it creeps up like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Personally, I don’t think the majority of people who find themselves caught up in an affair, ever intended it to happen. They aren’t evil, disgusting people. Affairs are symptoms of other issues. Yes, they are wrong. Yes, the results are awful and devastating. Yes, those who find themselves in one have to be accountable and own up to their actions.

For me, the case started years before the actual affair ever did. It started when my then-husband and I stopped spending time together. We each had our own activities to keep us busy. At night, he would watch tv and I would be in my room reading a book or writing. We had nothing in common.

At work, I was put on an assignment where I worked with a man. At first he was mentor. He showed me how to do my job better, helped me problem solve issues, and praised me when I performed well. It was the praise that really did it. It was so nice to hear that I was awesome.

As our relationship continued, we would walk to grab a coffee on breaks. We started having lunch in the cafeteria. We started sharing dreams, goals, and ambitions. Then we started giving one another advice on marital problems. We were friends two years before there was even a hint of inappropriateness. By that time, he was one of my closest friends.

At that point, I was tangled in a web of emotions with no idea what to do. I was unhappy in my marriage. I felt unappreciated. My husband and I had nothing in common. It was like living with a roommate. And then came the business trip. At this point, it was clear that the guy from work liked me. Nothing inappropriate had happened but I had a feeling something would. And still I went on the trip. Sure enough, we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and he kissed me.

I knew what I had done was wrong. But it felt so good to feel loved again. The kissing went on for a couple of months and then we both had the strength to do what was right. I told my husband and we went to counseling. He forgave me. I’m not sure that I have forgiven myself yet.

Here are some steps to affair-proof your marriage:

When you find yourself attracted to someone else, tell your spouse. The first time I had a long-term attraction to someone else was actually 4 years before kissing the guy at work. I should have told my husband then because it was a sign that there was something wrong in our marriage. I was looking elsewhere for attention and validation.

Don’t stare at anyone but your spouse. This sounds funny but lingering looks communicate interest. When you gaze at someone and they catch your gaze, there are unspoken words of attraction.

Don’t have personal conversations electronically. In this digital age we like to hide behind a computer or phone. We share things that perhaps we wouldn’t share face-to-face. Your heart doesn’t care if it’s in person or digitally, you will still develop an inappropriate relationship. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.

Don’t confide things about your marriage to the opposite sex. I knew better. But it happened anyway. If you want a man’s perspective to help you work something out in your marriage, see a counselor. Or meet with a married man with his wife present. Do not talk to a man about your husband when you are alone.

Don’t spend time alone with the opposite sex. This is an obvious one. This can be a problem even when the time spent is always in public. Our relationship built in public places and the first time we were alone we crossed the line. Sometimes it’s necessary to be alone with a man due to work. If that’s the case, don’t talk about anything personal. Stick to the weather, travel, sports, etc. Do not share dreams, problems, or anything where he could show you empathy, praise, or kindness.

Talk about the great qualities your spouse has. Talking about the positive qualities your spouse has to other people will give them the signal that you are happily taken. Plus it reinforces those qualities to yourself and you spend less time thinking of the frustrating things. Also, if your spouse finds out you’ve said nice things, it can even improve your marriage.

Adultery kills relationships. To avoid being an adulterer I think it’s important to understand that affairs can happen to anyone. Good people do bad things. Do not think you are above it. That kind of mentality creates overconfidence that could allow you to slip up. Guard your heart for it’s the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).