My grandmother once gave me the advice, “Marriage isn’t 50-50; it’s 100-100.” Obviously she meant that marriage required giving 100%. As I reflected upon my failed marriage I realized marriage was sometimes 100-100 but more often it was 100-35 or 70-100. Marriage is about giving your best even when the other person isn’t.

The realization came when I was in a long-distance relationship. We had gotten into the habit of sending mushy goodnight notes (relative to our time zones) each night. One morning I awoke to a rather disappointing message. It was by no means mushy. It was straight-forward and matter-of-fact. He had be rather unromantic that week in general. So my reaction was, “Fine. I won’t send him anything then either. That will show him!” Then I realized that is how the downward spiral in marriage starts. When we start to expect like for like behavior we are dooming our relationship.

Love is really about giving it your all, all the time. Agape love, which is the highest form of love (over brotherly love or sexual attraction) is a selfless love; a love that is committed to the well-being of the other, putting that person’s needs above your own. If marriage is supposed to reflect God’s relationship with the church, then this makes sense. God demonstrated the ultimate sacrifice through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ to ensure our salvation.

Instead of a tit for tat love, we should be showing our spouse love at all times, regardless of circumstances. “But what if he treats me poorly?” you ask. I’m not saying you don’t stand up for yourself. You should definitely confront behavior that weakens your marriage instead of strengthening it, but your expression of love should remain despite what your spouse does.

What did I do in my situation? I sent my love note (while grumbling under my breath) and then had a conversation about how I was feeling when it was appropriate. (Timing tough conversations could probably be another blog post, but check out the book of Esther if you want to see a woman who had ultimate timing). We still have these conversations from time to time and they’re tough!

Here’s a few tips for expressing your need to feel more loved:

• Ask each other on a regular basis how full your love tank is and what is one thing you each could do differently to improve the fullness level.
• Take the time to understand each other’s love language and how to express love in the other’s love language (check out the 5 Love Languages if you don’t know what I’m talking about).
• Be open about what you need. It’s okay to say, “I have been feeling a little low lately. You know what would really help me? [Fill in the blank].”

It’s tough to communicate these things. I often feel like the other person should just know what to do or how to make me feel loved. It feels so unromantic discussing it. But you don’t marry yourself. Your spouse doesn’t operate the way you do. This makes it critical for you to communicate your needs and desires.

Even after communicating it, you may not see changes right away (hopefully that isn’t the case but it’s possible). So what do you do? You keep giving 100%. If you stop giving 100% then you start a cycle that is difficult to break. “He’s not loving me so I’m not going to love him.” “She’s not loving me so I’m going to withhold my love.” Round and round it goes until someone intentionally breaks the cycle or you end up divorced.

When you spoke your vows of love, they were unconditional. And unconditional means that despite how your spouse is acting towards you, you will act in love. That’s the only way a vow works; otherwise, it’s just a contract. Contracts can be broken due to lack of performance. Marriages won’t last if it’s just a contract.