We’ve come a long way from 200 years ago. Overall, life is pretty easy for the majority of us. We don’t have to spend the bulk of our waking moments struggling for survival. Personally, I work about 40 hours a week, leaving about 112 hours to do with as I see fit. All this discretionary time has created new problems for society.

Marriage

Marriage used to be about someone who would help you survive. There was definitely a survival of the fittest element to it. Men wanted women who could bare children (that could then work the farm), maintain a household, and feed them after a hard days’ work. Women looked for men who were capable of keeping a roof over the family’s heads and bringing in provisions necessary to survival. The majority of the average person’s time was spent trying to survive and a couple needed each other spouse to boost their chances.

Now we have 112 hours (give or take) to spend directly with our spouse. It’s not so much about survival, and instead we have turned our focus on compatibility. All this free time has ushered in a whole new set of marital issues.

My marriage fell victim to this. With so much free time, I was able to pursue interests that my then-husband wasn’t interested in pursing. After years of pursuing our own interests we found we didn’t have much in common. Not to mention we discovered we didn’t understand the other person’s thought processes – making it very hard to relate. It finally came to not being able to have a conversation about the day’s happenings without feeling discontented.

I began daydreaming about the marriage culture was telling me I could have. One made up of shared interests, long talks, dreaming of our future together, and being best friends. The more I wanted that, the more our marriage fell apart.

Too much time and marriages suffer for it. But, it’s not like that time is going away, so how do we combat this?

Much more thought and examination before going into a marriage. Spending this much time with another individual means we have to look beyond the romantic interest and the other person’s ability to contribute to the marriage. Conflict styles, personality profiles, values, and life goals become more important. What I learned in pre-marital counseling did not prepare me for the challenges my marriage would face.

Fight to find joint interests. My ex and I built our relationship on one joint interest and when we no longer did that, we had nothing. Kindle the interests that brought you together in the beginning or explore new interests; either way, the goal is for you to spend a significant portion of that 112 hours together, enjoying one another.

Always dream together. I’ve never felt closer to another person than when we dream and plan together. Dreaming together provides opportunity to align the goals you have for your life with those your spouse has. It brings you together to pursue a common purpose. And working together towards a goal brings a closeness into the relationship.

Don’t give up. We live in a disposable society where it’s okay to go from one relationship to another. In reality, there are relationships out there that could be salvaged if time was spent finding common ground and building upon it. Don’t be quick to throw something away because society says you can.

Raising Children

Raising children in a life with so much discretionary time creates guilt. Parents (and probably more so moms) compare themselves with other parents. Should I be taking my child on playdates everyday? I really need to get that scrapbook updated. I haven’t taught my four year old how to read yet. Is it wrong to let my child play in their room while I read a book or catch up with a friend?

We put high expectations on ourselves as parents to spend every moment that our child is awake doing activities with them. We feel guilty if the child is awake and we choose to do something for ourselves. There’s this compulsive desire to always be entertaining them and spending as much time as possible with them. We have put our children on a pedestal that defines whether or not we are successful. Our purpose in life is not our children. Our children are APART of our lives. We are not here to serve them. We are here to ensure they grow up and are capable members of society and are able to be independently successful.

Our children don’t need us every minute of their waking day. In fact, it hurts their ability to be self-sufficient and entertain themselves. Let your child be bored sometimes. Let them have an occasional day where they can veg. They will be okay. We shouldn’t pressure ourselves to have to play with them all the time. That’s what friends are for. Our job is to love them, be a good role model, and teach them what they need to know to get through the rest of life.

Mental Health

After our spouses and our children, what do we do with the rest of our time? Well, society has plenty to say on the matter. You should be working out at least 5 times a week. You should be reading (the most successful people in the world read). You should be staying current on world affairs. You should be volunteering. You should, you should, you should. It’s maddening! No wonder people are depressed, living an imbalanced life, or overextending themselves.

The best advice I can offer here is for you to decide what you want out of life. Do activities that will help you reach those dreams we already talked about. And cut yourself a break if you deviate at times.

I’m a highly productive person. I achieve a lot. And if I spend a weekend watching tv I feel guilty for days. Perhaps I shouldn’t. Perhaps I needed that down time and it wasn’t a waste of time which is how I always view it.

With all this time on our hands, there are too many opportunities for us to feel inadequate, overanalyze, or fall into traps set by our culture. The key to is to keep perspective and understand how these things play out in the bigger picture. Do your best but forgive yourself.